Life can be difficult. I know that for a fact. I do not like to lament about my own personal issues, seeing that there are many in a worse situation than I am. I am grateful for what I do have, but it can be frustrating when I do not have what I want. Years ago I became an Atheist over it. Now it is a trial: I am currently unemployed, seeking hard for a career, and do not have close friends to go out to places with, and no girlfriend.
Finding a job was always hard for me and for reasons unexplained I always lost a possible job to somebody else, usually a woman. It is even more difficult for me to make close friends and find potential girlfriends. I’m definitely the type that gets complimented for being good-looking, having an athletic build and all, but I guess I just don’t have the same interests as other guys. I don’t know. That’s my educated guess. I’ve been on dates with plenty of women throughout my teen years and my twenties, but only one became a serious girlfriend. When I thought we were marriage material she dumped me, apparently because she did not want to leave her home state. I’ve had many girls take interest in me, but I was blinded to it; one time my Spanish teacher’s daughter asked me out, but I didn’t see it that way and turned it down because I was interested in another girl at the time who I found out was not interested in me; I felt so stupid like never before after this. Another girl I knew since we were in the 2nd grade, so when I was 16 or 17, I decided to send her an e-mail but she never responded; I found out from her stepfather that she left her family for her live-in rich boyfriend. I was heartbroken and devastated. Another girl was in some of my classes and we talked a lot and sat together, but I found out she didn’t like me as a boyfriend. Another girl stopped seeing me after the first blind date. Another woman gave me her phone number, so we set up a date; she got sick and we called it off for another time, but it became awkward because it was in a crowded cafeteria and I couldn’t find her until we only had 15 minutes left with each other and I could hardly hear her. Being in my twenties I have struggled with pornography, but it’s sinful and it can’t offer you physical intimacy with the person portrayed. I have also struggled with another thing: feeling like a minority among my peers; see, I’m a 25-year-old male virgin; statistics show over 80% of American youth are sexually experienced after college. This has made me think of another issue: do I want physical intimacy because I want to know what it feels like and can say I’ve done it or because I want to share it with my future spouse, regardless if she is a virgin or not. I feel like it’s the latter, but sometimes I wonder if this was planned for me.
The other problem is finding a career so that I may develop independence. Women like that in men most of the time. It’s the right thing to do anyway, not enter into a committed relationship without any intentions of getting a sufficiently paying job or career. It’s also been a moral dilemma for me regarding vocations: I know the Church needs more priests and many compliment me saying I’d make a great priest, but I don’t feel celibacy and chastity are for me; I’m one of those who needs to feel close to another person. I could become an Eastern Catholic priest or a Roman Catholic deacon; that’s possible.
I remember what the episode Hearts and Hooves Day had to say about love: you can’t make people fall in love with each other. Another episode, Simple Ways, is very similar: don’t change yourself to make another person like you. The latter has often my problem in the sense I’ve tried to make others find something to like about me. I guess that’s part of my problem: I’m insecure about who I am, so I might miss out on opportunities with women who might appreciate me for who I am.
Please pray for me, especially for my happiness and feeling adequate. I don’t often ask for prayers and I can’t remember the last time I did.